One month on…..

I thought that I ought to jot down some thoughts and feelings of how it has been one month on after losing someone close. As I never know someone may stumble on this post and it may give them some comfort knowing others feel the same as them or have been through similar lost.

It was never going to be easy to lose someone who has always been a part of my life so suddenly without being able to say goodbye properly. On some level it has felt like a part of me has been ripped out.

The funeral was by far one of the hardest and most heart breaking experiences of my life. Till this day I have been unable to talk about it all. Furthermore thoughts or flashbacks of it renders me to get really teary. For the past month I have had vivid dreams associated to my grandma which makes me feel a degree of closeness to her but ironically reminds me of the real distance……… that she is no longer on this Earth.

I cannot begin to put into words the horrible feelings I have often felt knowing that I will never be able to see, hug or talk to her ever again. To try to go on with my life and move forward at times seemed somewhat wrong.
Often I still unexpectedly get hit by a rush of sorrow and sadness which can attack me at anytime or place leaving me feeling a void of pain. As it is like something inside me had broke then fallen off. Something irreplaceable.
Lately I find myself having to search deep inside myself for so much that I didn’t realised I had: strength and understanding but levels that I had never used or even knew existed. But I questioned whether they would be enough. As I pondered further I realised that within me there will always be a part of me which holds my grandma, the lessons I learned from her, the memories, even parts of my blood, thus she will continue to live on inside me. Realising this makes things flow a bit easier but I am very aware that there will be times when I will still get hit by a sense of lost or sorrow but this will hopefully not outweigh the thoughts and memories.

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